


if you still bleed (i’ll curb the damages)

by evandiazbuckley



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Dreams vs. Reality, Gen, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I saw the Eddie Begins stills and they hurt me, I'm tagging a lot to be safe, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-nightmare comfort, Pre-Relationship, So this is my response, but most importantly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23570743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evandiazbuckley/pseuds/evandiazbuckley
Summary: Every time he closes his eyes it’s Chris sinking under the tsunami water, Eddie always just too far away to save him. When he dozes off in front of the TV it’s Buck’s harrowing screams as they drag him out from under the fire truck. In the mornings when he's trying to catch a few more hours it’s Shannon laying on the side of the road, life fading from her eyes.OrEddie has nightmares. Buck finds out.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 256





	if you still bleed (i’ll curb the damages)

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the stills for Eddie Begins and they hurt me so now I’m going to hurt y’all before the episode airs. 
> 
> Title based on Still Love by Great Caesar (technically it’s about parental love but I don’t care it’s a good song)
> 
> Quite a few descriptions of trauma/flashbacks and blood so please be careful and read at your own risk.

_Show me your wounds_

_And I'll wrap your bandages_

_If you still bleed_

_I'll curb the damages_

Since returning from Afghanistan, Eddie was no stranger to nightmares. For a while they became rare, but the combined stress of the tsunami, losing Shannon, the lawsuit and nearly losing Buck twice had brought them back in full force. 

The pure exhaustion and release of street fighting had numbed them for a while, and they were less frequent and less intense. However, therapy had dragged the memories back to the forefront of his mind, and without a few hours in the ring to tire him out Eddie found the nightmares were more frequent and vivid than ever. 

Frank said it was common and would pass, but it had been three weeks and Eddie hasn’t had more than a handful of restless hours sleep a night. And maybe Eddie hasn’t been completely honest with Frank about the frequency or content of the nightmares, but he thought he could deal with them on his own. 

But every time he closes his eyes it’s Chris sinking under the tsunami water, Eddie always just too far away to save him. When he dozes off in front of the TV it’s Buck’s harrowing screams as they drag him out from under the fire truck. In the mornings when he's trying to catch a few more hours it’s Shannon laying on the side of the road, life fading from her eyes. 

Other times he’s in Afghanistan, hot and exhausted with sand in his eyes and an ache in his bones. He’ll be ducking from gunfire or hopelessly attempting to stop a fellow soldier from bleeding out while his team stand around and urge him to do more. 

And then there’s the worst of them. It’s the sound of Buck’s screams and an IED blowing up a fire truck that blends with the rapid gunfire and sweltering heat of Afghanistan. It’s the pull of a tsunami wave followed by the roaring heat of an out of control fire. It’s Buck yelling at him in the supermarket that turns into Christopher crying as he asks where his mother is. It’s his old army crew blaming him for killing them and the 118 agreeing and walking away. It’s as though his experiences aren’t bad enough in isolation, his mind has to morph separate parts of his life into the ultimate nightmares. 

But if he’s completely honest, mostly they’re about Buck. Buck trapped under the fire truck. Buck drowning in floodwaters. Buck laying in the sand with a bullet wound to the abdomen and a resigned look in his eyes. Buck lying in the back of an ambulance with Hen prepped and ready to intubate. Sometimes it’s just Buck at the grocery store, hurt look in his eyes, flinching away from the anger stirring beneath Eddie’s skin. 

Sometimes they’re real events and sometimes they’re not, but they always end up with Buck dying or leaving or both, and Eddie wakes in a sweat gasping for breath. He wakes, wanting nothing more than to hold Buck and not let go. Sometimes he contemplates calling him just to hear his voice, to make sure he’s okay, but he shut that idea down quickly. He and Buck are just building back their friendship, and Buck didn’t need to be burdened by his problems.

Besides, Buck is the one who was crushed under a fire truck. Buck is the one who had to watch Christopher swept away in flood waters. Buck is the one who lived these traumatic events. If anyone should be seeking comfort for nightmares it’s Buck, but he’s better than ever. Eddie doesn’t want to burden him with his weird second-hand, Buck-centered trauma. 

So Eddie manages. He sleeps when he can and he drinks a lot of coffee. On nights he knows are going to be particularly bad he ferries Christopher off to Abuela’s for the night. He rarely sleeps at station, choosing instead to busy himself with cleaning and coffee. He’ll only head to the bunks on night shift if he knows he can sneak out once the others fall asleep. If Bobby notices that he’s always the first awake and the last to sleep he hasn’t said anything. 

Today's shift had been long and grueling, and they were only pulling back into station for the first time at 3am. The ride had been silent, everyone exhausted from multiple rescues and minimal down time.

Bobby's tired voice crackled through the headsets, "Try and get a couple of hours sleep if you can. We can deal with a debrief and restocking later."

They all murmured their agreement, and Buck smiled tiredly at him and nudged his knee against Eddie's as Bobby shut the engine off, "I'm so ready to lie down and never move again.”

Eddie hummed in agreement as he climbed from the truck, and for the first time in weeks he actually felt exhausted enough to want to consider sleeping at work. He moved on autopilot, stripping from his turnout gear and trailing after Buck into the bunk room.

Buck flopped face first onto the bed in the far corner, not even stopping to remove his boots. Eddie heard what sounded like a muffled "G'night Eddie" followed by the leveling out of his breathing.

Eddie took the bunk next to him, taking the time to unlace his boots and climb under the itchy sheets. He was also exhausted all over but still couldn't understand how Buck could so easily fall asleep (and so quickly wake and be ready to go at the sound of the alarm). Eddie lay down, and felt his eyes grow heavy as he heard the quiet shuffling of the rest of the team getting into their bunks and the rhythmic breathing of Buck beside him.

What felt like minutes later Eddie found himself engulfed by the smell of smoke and fuel, the night sky lit by the red of emergency lights and the glow of a burning fire truck. The smoke stung at his eyes and he felt himself struggling to take a breath. He instantly knew where he was, only confirmed by the harrowing scream coming from Buck who lay prone on the ground, leg trapped under the ladder truck.

Eddie looked around, expecting to see the rest of the team or even Freddie, but there's no one else there and he is met by a sudden sense of hopelessness.

Buck continues to scream, and Eddie runs to his side and grips his hand just like he did the first time, but this time Buck is looking him straight in the eye and is begging Eddie to help him, "Please. Please, Eddie- I can't, you need to- Eddie please!"

“Buck! I’ve got you, it’s gonna be all right, I’ll just-“ Eddie looked around, there was no one else to help, no other firefighters, no army of bystanders. He was alone and Buck was dying. 

Buck continued to scream and plead with Eddie but all he could do was grip his hand and try not to sob himself.

“Please don’t leave. Eddie ple-“ Buck’s eyes slipped shut and his hand fell limp in Eddie’s grip.

“Buck! Come on Buck. Open your eyes for me.” Eddie shook Buck’s shoulder while attempting to feel a pulse but there was no movement under his fingers. 

“Buck! Please. Open your eyes Buck. I can’t- You need to- Evan please.” Eddie screwed his eyes shut and gripped Buck’s hand tightly, praying to anyone out there that Buck would open his eyes.

Suddenly the world shifted and Eddie could feel the sun beating down on his face, wind whipped sand up into his face and the smell of gunpowder and sweat let him know instantly where he was.

He opened his eyes and found himself still gripping Buck’s hand, surrounded by the familiar surrounds of his base camp in Afghanistan. Eddie looked down to find both he and Buck still dressed in their LAFD uniforms. 

Buck was no longer trapped under a truck but there was a red stain growing on the front of his shirt and Eddie instantly knew what that meant. He tore at Buck shirt looking for a bullet wound but his hands simply came away covered in blood, the source of which he couldn’t find. 

Buck was no longer begging Eddie to help him but was staring at Eddie with a broken look in his eyes, “Why didn’t you save me?” He asked, his voice soft, a small line of blood slipping from the side of his mouth. 

“Buck, I’m trying. I swear. I’m trying I just can’t find-“

“Eddie,” Bucks voice was somehow even softer now, “it’s all your fault. You could’ve stopped this. But you left me, you didn’t even try.” 

Once again Buck’s eyes slipped shut and Eddie grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Buck! I’m sorry! I’m trying! Please open your eyes, please!” 

He searched Buck for a wound but just came away with more blood. He was choking out sobs now, not even sure what he was trying to say, “Buck. Evan. I’m sorry. I should’ve done more. I’m sorry. I can’t. Please wake up. Please, Buck.”

Suddenly there where hands on his shoulders, pulling him back from Buck’s body and he fought them off. 

“No! It’s Buck. I need to help him. I can’t leave him.”

The hands continued to gently pull him back and he fought them, all the while sobbing out Buck’s name and a string of apologies.

“Eddie,” the owner of the hands behind him said as they let go, “you’re at the fire station, you need to wake up.”

Eddie knew this, he knew he was at the fire station. But he also knew that Buck was bleeding out and he needed to get to him.

“I know . I KNOW. But I need to get to him. He’s gonna die. Buck-“

“Eddie! It’s me, it’s Buck,” the voice said again, “it’s me, and I’m safe, and I need you to wake up.”

Eddie grabbed at his hair with blood stained hands, he knew something wasn’t right but he could work out what was happening. He knew that voice , he knew it was Buck but he also knew he was currently covered in Buck blood. The same Buck who had just breathed his last, and blamed Eddie for not saving him. 

“Eddie. I need you to look at me,” the Buck-like voice continued, “I’m safe. You’re safe. We’re at the 118. You’re having a nightmare. Or a flashback. Come back to me.”

Eddie was confused, and terrified but something in the back of his mind was screaming at him to listen to the voice. To listen to Buck.

Slowly, and against his better judgement, Eddie opened his eyes. The room was dark, but he could make out the concerned face of his best friend crouched in front of him.

“Buck?” He asked, hearing his own voice crack, raw from crying out.

Buck’s face softened, but still held a concerned look. He was crouched down in front of Eddie, who had somehow flung himself from the bed and was leaning against the wall. Buck’s hands were hovering in front of him as though he wanted to reach out and hug Eddie but was afraid of startling him.

“Hey, Eddie. Do you know where you are?”

Eddie felt as though he had run a marathon, and ever breath burned at his lungs. But the longer he sat staring at Buck, drawing in breaths the clearer his surroundings became. But his mind still flicked through images of Buck, trapped, bleeding, dying.

“We’re at station, and- and are you alright?”

“Yeah, Eddie. We are at station. And I’m alright.” Buck inched forward slightly, hands still raised as though approaching a wild animal, “Can I touch you.”

Eddie, who until this point wasn’t even sure Buck was real, nodded. Buck continued to move slowly, and placed one hand on Eddie’s shoulder, the pressure and heat instantly grounding him, and he felt some tension leave his body. Buck’s other hand, however, came forward to grip Eddie’s own hands. As soon as they made contact, Eddie’s mind flashed with pictures of his hands, covered in Buck’s blood, attempting to stop him bleeding out. 

Eddie cries out, and pulls his hands back from Buck as though he’s been burned, and Buck gets the hint and lets go, shuffling back slightly but not moving from his position in front of Eddie.

Eddie knows there isn’t blood on his hands, he’s looking at them now and they’re clean as ever but he can feel the blood. He can feel Buck’s blood. He scratches at them furiously, scrubbing at them as though the friction will clean the invisible blood away. He can feel himself crying again, uncontrolled sobs breaking out between breaths. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Buck says as he reaches towards Eddie’s hands again, “you’re gonna hurt yourself. I don’t know what your seeing, Eddie, but your hands are clean.”

Buck’s slightly larger hands land on top of Eddie’s, and this time neither of them pull back. He prises them apart and then simply holds them in his own, while Eddie’s mind continues to flick between his current reality and the content of his dreams.

“Where are you, Eds?” Buck asks again.

“Station.” Eddie manages to huff out, between ragged breaths.

“Good. Where exactly at station, though?” Buck prompts, “I want you to look around and tell me where.”

Eddie’s knee-jerk reaction at Buck telling him what to do is to tell him to fuck off, but he forces himself to open his eyes and look around the room. 

The room is still relatively dark, lit only by a bedside lap and an emergency exit sign. Eddie’s eyes scan the empty beds around the room, and eventually come back to land on the bed in front of him, Buck’s bed.

“The bunk room, at station. We were sleeping.”

Buck smiles at him, and gently squeezes his hands. He must see some clarity return to Eddie’s eyes, “Welcome back. You wanna get off the floor?”

Eddie is finally feeling orientated and realises he’s got an ache in his legs from sitting on the concrete floor for a while now and he nods.

Buck stands, pulling up Eddie as he goes, and they both stumble slightly when they’re upright, Buck’s hands let go of Eddie’s to steady his shoulders.

For the first time since the Buck-centric nightmares began, Eddie does the one thing he wants, and he pulls Buck towards him in a hug. Buck doesn’t hesitate, and wraps both his arms around him, while Eddie burrows his face in Buck’s shoulder. 

Buck is warm, sleep-rumpled and smells of coffee and a little bit of sweat. Eddie can feel Buck’s breaths, steady and strong. Alive. He lets himself sit in the feeling of being completely surrounded and safe, before reality comes crashing down around him.

The room is empty now, but he knows he woke all his colleagues, not to mention he’s pretty sure he shoved Buck quite violently in his half-asleep panic. And here he is now, his snotty and tear-stained face messing up Buck’s shirt.

Eddie reluctantly pulls back from Buck’s embrace and scrubs at his face.

“I’m so sorr-“

“Don’t,” Buck interrupts him, “don’t apologise. How long have you been having nightmares like this.”

Eddie looks everywhere but Buck’s face, knowing the concerned look will have him spilling everything in a heartbeat. 

“Eddie.” Buck tries again, a little softer this time, “Talk to me, man.”

This time Eddie looks up, and he’s right. Buck’s face is expressive as usual, concern written all over his features. He knows that Buck is owed an explanation, and after tonight’s performance he isn’t going to just let it drop.

Eddie sighs, and takes as seat on the edge of his bed, gesturing for Buck to join him. Buck sits next to him, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, knee to knee and even foot to foot. 

Just like normal. 

It’s this thought that he’s Eddie realising that Buck isn’t going anywhere. He’s been constant since day one, and even during the lawsuit and their time apart Eddie knows he could’ve (should’ve) asked for help and Buck would’ve dropped everything for him.

“They started after my last deployment, but they weren’t very regular,” Eddie began, “but they really started to pick up after the ladder truck.”

Buck is quiet, but Eddie knows he is listening, waiting for him to continue. Now that he’s started talking, he knows it’s all going to come out. 

“I dream of seeing you trapped there and not being able to help. Sometimes I dream of the tsunami, of Shannon dying, of my tours, of you that day at the grocery store.”

Buck is still quiet beside him, but lifts his hand and gently grasps Eddie’s own, giving it a squeeze.

“But lately they’ve been a mix of all of the above. The only common thread is you. You always die, or leave, or blame me for not doing enough.” Eddie pauses here, he can feel his breaths beginning to quicken and stops to focus on slowing them.

“You know none of it was you fault,” Buck begins, hesitantly, “and I definitely don’t blame you.”

Eddie knows this. Eddie has known it all along, but something about hearing Buck say the words has the guilty pressure around his heart releasing, and he feels as though breathing just became a tiny bit easier.

Eddie nods, and squeezes Buck’s hand, “I know, I just don’t think my mind has worked that out yet.”

They both sit in silence for a few minutes, and Eddie worries his confession as brought Buck’s own negative memories forward.

Buck breaks the silence with a soft question, “When was the last time you had a decent night’s sleep? And have you talked to anyone about them?”

Eddie chuckles, “I honestly don’t remember. It’s been a while.” He pauses and considers the next question carefully, before deciding that he’s been honest so far and he might as well continue.

“Frank knows I get them, but thinks they’re only occasionally. But um- you’re the only person I really wanted to tell.“

He feels Buck stiffen next to him, and is surprised when he doesn’t ask the question they’re both thinking.

“It’s alright, Buck. You can ask.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I nearly did. So many times. I started leaving my phone in the kitchen at night so I couldn’t call you at 3am. I wanted to tell you so badly, because I knew you’d drop everything to help, but I couldn’t tell you for that reason.”

Buck opens his mouth as though he’s about to talk, but Eddie continues, “It’s just- you were the one crushed by a fire truck, and you watched Chris get swept away, and you had the pulmonary embolism, but you seem fine now. I didn’t want to bring back those memories for you.”

Buck doesn’t even say anything straight away, but instead he pulls Eddie into another all encompassing hug. 

“Call me next time, you idiot,” he says, but there’s no heat in his voice, “let someone else take care of you for once.”

Eddie doesn’t reply, but tucks himself further into Buck’s embrace and thinks maybe Buck has a point.

“Okay?” Buck presses.

“Okay.” Eddie replies, and for a second he believes it might turn out okay.

_Let go of fear_

_Trust in me dear_

_'Cause I'll keep you safe_

_While you're still here_

**Author's Note:**

> buck goes with eddie to therapy and they both heal and then get married the end.


End file.
